Dated: October 8, 2004.
Hi there. I'm Peter Plastic. The world of plastic men is a very lonely world. I'm surrounded by legions of my comrades and compatriots but babes are few and far between. Since you are new here, let me give you a rundown of some plastic babes and your chances of getting lucky.
1) (Atlantic) Italian nurse: I don't speak Italian, I don't go for that thin malnourished type and on top of that, all my previous attempts at flirtation with nurses have ended in unneccesarily forceful jabs with big blunt needles. She does appear to be holding some type of beverage in her hand, but again based on prior experience, I highly doubt it's alcoholic in nature.
Chances of getting lucky - Low
2) (Airfix) The delectable Ms. Jane Porter, daughter of the eminent archeologist Dr. Porter, one of the most desirable women in bad fiction. But Ms. Porter is already taken, as legions of bad guys, crooks and would be kidnappers can attest. Better learn to say Kagoda first!
Chances of abducting Jane Porter - High
Chances of getting your nefarious ways with her - Low
Chances of getting the C*@p beaten out of you by apeman - A certainty
3) (Airfix) Maid Marion. Protected by Robin Hood and his gang of thieves. If the Sheriff with his gang of crooks can't get her neither can you!
Chances of getting lucky - Historically impossible
4) (ESCI) Barbarian woman. Her attributes are quite evident here. Yes, and I mean that axe she is carrying shows that she is willing to defend your homestead against all invaders. A babe who is willing to fight by your side and low maintenance to boot! (simple tunic, no shoes)
Chances of getting lucky - high
5) (Airfix) Wagon train gal. Short, dumpy and frumpy, but we're looking for more than just looks right? Any woman who is willing to go cross country in a what is basically a wooden RV without air conditioning or bathroom has got to be a winner.
Chances of getting lucky - high
6) (Airfix) Civilians. 60's style English marms? Sorry, just not my cup of tea.
Chances of getting lucky - ?
7) (ESCI WWII Russian Infantry) wireless operator. If "Enemies at the Gates" is anything to be believed, neither an expensive dinner or movie, nor even a bath is needed to get lucky. Even better news, there's 4 in a box!
Chances of getting lucky - High if you play the patriotism card
8) Atlantic Greek woman (Helen of Troy). Being dragged by my heels behind a chariot and dead is not how I want to wind up.
Chances of getting lucky - High, if you don't mind the consequences.
Chances of death - A historical certainty. (The reaction is quite overblown I must say: invasion by a multinational party, involvment of Gods, decades of warfare, thousands of deaths. At least one can be thankful for heel-less shoes.)
Anyway, there you have it. Tread carefully and good luck!
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